Month: June 2022

if this can no longer resonate

Poser.

I can’t tell you how much I heard that word back in high school.

Keep in mind this was the early/mid 90s so gatekeeping regarding music was insane. If you couldn’t name the deepest B-sides of a band’s catalog, you were instantly branded a poser and relegated to the depths. Or if you said that you liked music videos, you earned a sneer and some derisive rant about how MTV is killing the music industry.

I can’t tell you how many times I had that word thrown at me as a teenager. I’ll never forget one time that two “friends” of mine – who I legitimately thought were good friends – decided to make up some band and rave to me about it. I was actually interested to hear more, and when they dropped me off at home, told me they just made it up, and said that I was just a poser who went along with fads because others told me to. They sat in front of my house laughing while I went inside and fucking cried because I legitimately thought I was connecting with these two people I thought were cooler than cool.

To this day, when I get into something, I constantly feel like I have to prove that I really enjoy that thing to others. “LOOK, I REALLY DO LIKE THIS THING, I HAVE DONE SO MUCH RESEARCH AND LISTENED TO SO MUCH STUFF.” I think it’s one of the reasons I tend to hyperfixate on things when I first get into them, so much so where it can seem like an obsession. Then it just kind of fades into the background over time.

I see people who write and make music and draw and paint and sculpt and take pictures and I just want to be one of them SO BAD. But any time I start getting into something, I’m reminded – somehow, some way – that this is probably not the spot for me. I have this constant sensation of “you’re just a poser sitting on the windowsill looking in”. This is how I feel when I write or do photography. I enjoy doing them, but I’m always so scared to show it to the world because I’m just waiting on that one person to come along and tell me, “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE.”

Poser.

this ain’t about regret

It’s been a couple of days since I posted. I was trying to journal every day but I got sidetracked. For assorted reasons. Last night I had every intention to, but I ended up taking off my nail polish and that turned into A Thing that took like two hours (I had to soak dip polish off my fingernails, and that takes FOREVER). Now my fingers look all bare and stubby, and I discovered that my right big toenail is all bruised. I guess I dropped something on it at some point, but I don’t remember doing that? It hasn’t hurt or anything and it doesn’t feel any different, it just looks funky. I’ll probably let it be for like a week or so, or until I get tired of looking at this gnarly toe and decide to paint it.

I’ve actually been feeling pretty positive over the past couple of days. I worked from home on Friday, paid bills and had enough money left over to get some clothes. I really need to go shopping today and get a few clothes for work – I have jeans and such but I’d really like some work pants and a few more blouses. As much as I like wearing dresses – and I REALLY like wearing dresses – there are some days during the summer that I’m like NO I DON’T WANNA SHAVE so I end up in jeans, which are even more hot and stifling. Also, the jeans I have are just a smidge too tight, so the entire day I end up feeling really uncomfortable about my body, which always makes that day not so great.

Anyway! Positive, yeah. One thing that I’ve been really looking forward to – and it’s coming up closer – is my trip to Atlanta to see Stray Kids live. A couple of coworkers and I are heading up on Saturday morning, spending the day on Sunday checking out a few places and then going to the concert, and then heading back here Monday morning. Since it’s over a long weekend, we didn’t have to worry about taking PTO and requesting off, which is nice! I’ve been really obsessed with listening to them over the past couple of months, which is hilarious because I thought I was going to lean hard into BTS after watching the concert in Vegas, but I ended up asking for recommendations on more stuff like Daechwita (from Suga/Agust D’s solo record), heard SKZ, and was pretty much like WELP THIS IS ME NOW I GUESS. I still leaned hard into BTS, but Stray Kids a LOT more. I’m pretty sure my husband is sick and tired of hearing K-pop blaring from YouTube and my phone speakers. LOL.

X-Pro Adventures: City Park 2004

These are the second part of the cross-processed slide film I took on my day out back in 2004.

The City Park Peristyle has always been one of my favorite places to go in while there. It’s also one of the most frequented places on weekends due to its popularity for weddings, photo shoots, etc. It overlooks Bayou Metairie and is the perfect place to sit in the shade on stiflingly sunny days.

One weekday evening, YEARS ago (probably 1998-99 or so?), my roommate and I wanted to get out of the apartment that night but we didn’t have the money to go out to dinner or to a bar. So we picked up some cheese, olives, deli meats, a baguette, and a bottle of cheap “wine” (probably some kind of Boone’s Farm), and went to the Peristyle. It was dark except for the moon and the streetlights from across the bayou. We sat out there for hours. Cost us less than $20 all together, we had sandwiches for lunch the next day, and it pretty much cemented my love for nighttime picnics.

Most recently, my friend Allison and I picked up some Japanese sandos from a popup and spent almost an entire afternoon sitting out there, trying different sandwiches, and just talking about stuff.

Anyway, back to photography…

I’d really like to get my hands on a couple more rolls of slide film and do some more cross-processing, although I’d have to check with my local lab to see if they handle slide film anymore. I really like color shifts and looking back on these always gives me a sense of pride. Maybe next time I’ll get pictures of people. That’s actually something I really need to work on – I take SO many pictures of foliage and flowers and buildings, but I am so hesitant to turn the camera on people, especially strangers.