chronosaur.us

i can just run so time can't even see me

August 2023

  • Listen to this – Seventeen, “F*ck My Life”

    Have you ever heard a song at an exact moment in your life and had it resonate so deeply with you that you just felt like it was written right for you at that very moment?

    That was me, listening to Seventeen’s song “F*ck My Life” today.

    I’ve spent the past week up and down emotionally, and today in particular I am very much in my feelings.  While I was handling some blog work earlier, I was listening to a Seventeen playlist, and this song came on. I’d watched this video the day it dropped, and I remember liking the odd “Truman Show”-esque vibes of it, and that the lyrics were really meaningful…but it didn’t really hit until today, when I was just in an emotional state for it to REALLY hit me right in the heart.

    This fucking world

    In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
    I lost my way, I lost my aim
    Dumbest person alive
    Let’s just forget all of this, let’s just laugh through all of this
    Because this comfort is meaningless

    On my way back home I get choked up
    Keep feeling like crying, woah-oh-oh, oh
    I just wanna find myself before I disappear completely
    When I was young and watched cartoons
    I wondered why I couldn’t be
    The main character like I would see
    My heart’s all too blackened
    Isn’t there anyone who could trade their heart with mine just for a day?

    In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
    I lost my way, I lost my aim
    Dumbest person alivе
    From now on I’ll fight for my life
    For my own good, fight for my life
    We’rе so used to feeling numb in this life
    Now I just wanna find myself

    I’m getting so tired dreaming by myself
    I’m so sick of it all now, just wanna give up
    Don’t wanna be an embarrassment tomorrow for the me I knew yesterday
    Because this commitment is meaningless

    I look so dumb, it’s almost ridiculous
    Keep feeling like crying, woah-oh-oh, oh
    I’m getting so numb to this life that it feels like I’m shrinking away
    I got a secret I can’t tell and it’s turning to tears again
    I can’t tell a soul, I’m too ashamed for that
    Isn’t there anyone who could trade their heart with mine just for a day?

    In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
    I lost my way, I lost my aim
    Dumbest person alive
    From now on I’ll fight for my life
    For my own good, fight for my life
    We’re so used to feeling numb in this life
    Now I just wanna find myself

    We’re so used to feeling numb in this life
    Now I just wanna find myself

    Holy SHIT. Haven’t we all felt like this at some point in our lives, where we just feel so dumb and numb, feeling like you don’t fit into the world, but also wanting to be part of it, but afraid to reach out and tell someone, ANYONE, that you’re floundering?

    As sad as the main concept behind the song is…there’s still a call to fight for your life. There’s still a reminder that we all have the capability to fight and make a stand, and not let the waves of life, stress, fears, anxiety drag you to the depths. You can still fight, you can still swim. There’s still joy and happiness to be had, and we all deserve it. It’s going to be a battle, but you can come out of the other side.

    A few dear friends have recently got me into Seventeen (thanks Eve, Jake, and Bee!), and I have been slowly listening to more of their stuff and picking out my favorites.  I’ve decided Seventeen will be the first group that I’ll start going through their discography for the blog, so keep an eye out for more posts with my thoughts on their albums.

  • Digital Photo Class at City Park, April 2022

    Back in April 2022, I signed up for a digital photography class with a local photographer, Christy Lorio. I’d been following her on Instagram and Twitter, and the course focused on teaching us about the general basics of photography that could be used either with a phone camera or a digital camera. About five of us attended the class, and we spent the afternoon walking around the Cafe du Monde area at City Park and grabbing shots of what caught our eye. We went back to the Cafe afterwards and then did a review of what we took, where everyone got to see what we shot and we discussed what we liked and all talked about how we could improve or tweak what we shot to be better.

    It was a really good class, and I got the above shots from it. She hosted a more detailed class a couple of months later, which I also took, and I’ll post those pictures in a separate post.

    Sadly, Christy passed away last year from cancer, but she was a real treasure and the time I got to spend with her talking about photography and learning from her was wonderful.

  • now I’m bottom of the pile, a dusty photo

    I see all these people creating things – art, writing, etc. – and want to do that. I want to create something. I want to write, I want to create something beautiful and meaningful. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way.

    But it also seems like nothing I create is “good enough”, and I hate feeling that way.

    I see so many talented people creating things all over social media, especially in the K-Pop fandom. Hell, some of the best friends I have are INCREDIBLY talented writers and artists. And I support them wholeheartedly, and adore the work they do! I am not jealous of their talent in the least. I love it and want to show the world and talk about it with them.

    Then I look at what I create, what I write and what I do, and I just feel so…lacking. And logically, I know that my friends will also support and love the things I make, and they will hype me up just as much as I do for them. I just feel so LESS THAN, and I hate it. It saps my creative spirit and makes me want to not even bother. But the desire is THERE and it is STRONG.

    How do I get it back? How do I find that space again? Do I carry my camera everywhere? Do I just grab snapshots with my phone wherever I can? Do I block time to just write, and whatever comes out goes up? Do I force it, fake it until I make it? How do I get back into that mindset and STAY there?

  • Listen to this – Stray Kids, “Chronosaurus”

    Seeing as yesterday was STAY Day, I think it’s time to celebrate with a good little playlist and one of my favorite meaningful songs, Chronosaurus.

    Chronosaurus was released March 25, 2019, as a song off of Stray Kids “MIROH” album. It wasn’t released as a full title track, but they did make a MV of the song. It’s basic, it’s simple, but it will suck you in.

    So first, let’s look at the full translated lyrics:

    I’ve run without a break but why
    It’s still dark around me why
    That time will solve everything
    Is just a fear for me?
    Time can’t solve this
    I’ll get caught if I just wait I should do something
    I don’t have other solutions
    Would time in this place be gold or beast?
    Would it be me or my dream that’s caught while playing tag?

    Day and night every day I
    Am afraid I think I’ll get caught

    I just dash out even if I get out of breath
    I run constantly
    Why does time run to me so fast?
    I just dash out even if I fall
    I keep running
    I can just run so time can’t even see me

    Woah, woah, woah, yeah, yeah
    Tick tock, tick tock, gettin’ closer
    Woah, woah, woah, yeah, yeah
    Tick tock, tick tock, run fast

    Watch out, watch out I should open my eyes
    Countdown, countdown, now what?
    I feel like I’m stuck in a sandglass
    Watch out, watch out I should open my eyes
    Countdown, countdown, now what?
    It’s just over if I stop

    I just dash out even if I get out of breath
    I run constantly
    Why does time run to me so fast?
    I just dash out even if I fall
    I keep running
    I can just run so time can’t even see me

    Ooh like a tunnel with no light
    Yeah ooh, there’s no end, I’m scared
    Ooh like a tunnel with no light
    Yeah ooh (Day and night)
    There’s no end, I’m scared
    Am afraid I think I’ll get caught

    I just dash out even if I get out of breath
    I run constantly
    Why does time run to me so fast?
    I just dash out even if I fall
    I keep running
    I can just run so time can’t even see me

    Woah woah woah yeah yeah
    Tick tock, tick tock, gettin’ closer
    Woah woah woah yeah yeah
    Tick tock, tick tock, run fast
    Woah woah woah yeah yeah
    Tick tock, tick tock, gettin’ closer
    Woah woah woah yeah yeah
    Tick tock, tick tock, run fast

    Translated lyrics from Genius English Translations

    ~deep breath~ Yeahhhhhhh. This is one of my absolute favorite songs of theirs. The first time I watched the video, I was reading the translation, and I couldn’t look away. I had to immediately re-watch the video to actually WATCH it.

    So according to this interview, Changbin said that the original name of the song was “Time Beast”, but they decided to go with Chronosaurus.

    Time changes everything.

    Time marches on.

    Much like if Time was a lumbering, elephantine-sized beast, rumbling through and breaking everything in its path. And if it catches up to you – you stop. Permanently. So you are constantly running through time, unable to stop or rest or breathe. All you can do is push yourself to stay ahead of it for as long as possible.

    The fear of time is REAL, no matter what your age. Young people fear getting old, old people fear that they don’t have enough of it. I know I look back on what I’ve done and the time I’ve had, and I wonder if it was enough. I wonder what time I have left in this plane of existence to make a positive effect on people, and I worry that I won’t have enough time with my loved ones, or to do the things I want.

    This song reminds me that I’m not the only one with these fears, and that I’m not alone in my struggle of running from time. So every time I listen to it, or the MV comes up in a YouTube playlist, I watch.

    Chronosaurus is one of those songs that resonates with me so much, that hearing it live would leave me in tears.

    “Day and night every day
    I am afraid I think I’ll get caught    “