Month: August 2023

Listen to this – Seventeen, “F*ck My Life”

Have you ever heard a song at an exact moment in your life and had it resonate so deeply with you that you just felt like it was written right for you at that very moment?

That was me, listening to Seventeen’s song “F*ck My Life” today.

I’ve spent the past week up and down emotionally, and today in particular I am very much in my feelings.  While I was handling some blog work earlier, I was listening to a Seventeen playlist, and this song came on. I’d watched this video the day it dropped, and I remember liking the odd “Truman Show”-esque vibes of it, and that the lyrics were really meaningful…but it didn’t really hit until today, when I was just in an emotional state for it to REALLY hit me right in the heart.

This fucking world

In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
I lost my way, I lost my aim
Dumbest person alive
Let’s just forget all of this, let’s just laugh through all of this
Because this comfort is meaningless

On my way back home I get choked up
Keep feeling like crying, woah-oh-oh, oh
I just wanna find myself before I disappear completely
When I was young and watched cartoons
I wondered why I couldn’t be
The main character like I would see
My heart’s all too blackened
Isn’t there anyone who could trade their heart with mine just for a day?

In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
I lost my way, I lost my aim
Dumbest person alivе
From now on I’ll fight for my life
For my own good, fight for my life
We’rе so used to feeling numb in this life
Now I just wanna find myself

I’m getting so tired dreaming by myself
I’m so sick of it all now, just wanna give up
Don’t wanna be an embarrassment tomorrow for the me I knew yesterday
Because this commitment is meaningless

I look so dumb, it’s almost ridiculous
Keep feeling like crying, woah-oh-oh, oh
I’m getting so numb to this life that it feels like I’m shrinking away
I got a secret I can’t tell and it’s turning to tears again
I can’t tell a soul, I’m too ashamed for that
Isn’t there anyone who could trade their heart with mine just for a day?

In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
I lost my way, I lost my aim
Dumbest person alive
From now on I’ll fight for my life
For my own good, fight for my life
We’re so used to feeling numb in this life
Now I just wanna find myself

We’re so used to feeling numb in this life
Now I just wanna find myself

Holy SHIT. Haven’t we all felt like this at some point in our lives, where we just feel so dumb and numb, feeling like you don’t fit into the world, but also wanting to be part of it, but afraid to reach out and tell someone, ANYONE, that you’re floundering?

As sad as the main concept behind the song is…there’s still a call to fight for your life. There’s still a reminder that we all have the capability to fight and make a stand, and not let the waves of life, stress, fears, anxiety drag you to the depths. You can still fight, you can still swim. There’s still joy and happiness to be had, and we all deserve it. It’s going to be a battle, but you can come out of the other side.

A few dear friends have recently got me into Seventeen (thanks Eve, Jake, and Bee!), and I have been slowly listening to more of their stuff and picking out my favorites.  I’ve decided Seventeen will be the first group that I’ll start going through their discography for the blog, so keep an eye out for more posts with my thoughts on their albums.

Digital Photo Class at City Park, April 2022

Back in April 2022, I signed up for a digital photography class with a local photographer, Christy Lorio. I’d been following her on Instagram and Twitter, and the course focused on teaching us about the general basics of photography that could be used either with a phone camera or a digital camera. About five of us attended the class, and we spent the afternoon walking around the Cafe du Monde area at City Park and grabbing shots of what caught our eye. We went back to the Cafe afterwards and then did a review of what we took, where everyone got to see what we shot and we discussed what we liked and all talked about how we could improve or tweak what we shot to be better.

It was a really good class, and I got the above shots from it. She hosted a more detailed class a couple of months later, which I also took, and I’ll post those pictures in a separate post.

Sadly, Christy passed away last year from cancer, but she was a real treasure and the time I got to spend with her talking about photography and learning from her was wonderful.

now I’m bottom of the pile, a dusty photo

I see all these people creating things – art, writing, etc. – and want to do that. I want to create something. I want to write, I want to create something beautiful and meaningful. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way.

But it also seems like nothing I create is “good enough”, and I hate feeling that way.

I see so many talented people creating things all over social media, especially in the K-Pop fandom. Hell, some of the best friends I have are INCREDIBLY talented writers and artists. And I support them wholeheartedly, and adore the work they do! I am not jealous of their talent in the least. I love it and want to show the world and talk about it with them.

Then I look at what I create, what I write and what I do, and I just feel so…lacking. And logically, I know that my friends will also support and love the things I make, and they will hype me up just as much as I do for them. I just feel so LESS THAN, and I hate it. It saps my creative spirit and makes me want to not even bother. But the desire is THERE and it is STRONG.

How do I get it back? How do I find that space again? Do I carry my camera everywhere? Do I just grab snapshots with my phone wherever I can? Do I block time to just write, and whatever comes out goes up? Do I force it, fake it until I make it? How do I get back into that mindset and STAY there?