Ugh, been feeling just like general “bleh” this week.  Not sick or anything, but just mehhhhhh.  My sinuses have been acting weird (not congested, but achy?), I have a constant headache, and I just have no energy.  There’s a lot of reasons that explain all of these (and no, it’s not COVID), but I hate it.  I hate not having energy or focus.  And I know it gets more difficult as I get older.

The past couple of months, I’ve been fighting a lot of frustration with my body and how I’m feeling.  Went on vacation, then got COVID and was laid up in bed for about a week, then had to roll right back into work and deal with a lot of deadlines and timelines all in two weeks, then having to finally do home stuff on weekends…I don’t know.  It’s a lot, and yeah, I know I’m whining.  But through all this, the most frustrating thing is finally coming to the realization that my body does not “bounce back” or come back from exhaustion nearly as well as I used to in my 20s.  And it is PISSING.  ME.  OFF.

A lot of frustration comes from the fact that I COULDN’T enjoy these things in my 20s.  Having a good job that allowed me to take vacations?  Going out with friends to try new food and see new places?  Having weekends off and a nice place to live?  I didn’t have that in my 20s. I lived hand-to-mouth, barely able to afford groceries.  I worked retail jobs where I was forced to go into work with strep throat and stomach flu.  I couldn’t take the time off for vacations, much less afford them.  My schedule and bank accounts wouldn’t allow me to go out with friends.  And now that I can enjoy all these things, I’m too damn tired to?  It’s extremely frustrating, and feels more than a little unfair.

Again, I know I’m whining.  I know there are people out there that have it worse than me, and I hate that for them.  It’s unfair to them too.  But this is how I’ve been feeling lately and I really, really dislike it.

And I just want this headache to go away.

…

I don’t want to leave this on a bad note, or a cranky/grumpy/whiny one.  So I will say that I am grateful for the things I have now.  And I am grateful that I get to do them at all.

Ambien is a hell of a drug.  I really need to just go straight to bed after taking it.  If I force myself to stay awake I tend to have random conversations or even post things that I barely remember.

Or, worse yet, eat.  :-/

I know a lot of people have talked about sleepwalking on Ambien.  Luckily, that hasn’t happened to me.  What I find happens is I take it with plans to be in bed within an hour, and by the end of the hour I’m still up, but doped out of my gourd and doing random things.  Or, if I’m watching a movie/TV/YouTube, I pass out in the bed while watching it and either D wakes me up when he comes in and makes me lay down, or I wake up and like three hours have passed.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love having it.  It’s the only thing that calms my brain and allows me to stay asleep for an entire night.  If I don’t take it, I tend to wake up hourly, and eventually I will just lay there while my mind is thinking of random things that I need to do, or say, or important conversations I need to have, or what I should have said to someone 15 years ago, or awful things that could happen…and so on.  This is the only thing that keeps me asleep the entire night.  Melatonin won’t do it.  Tylenol PM, Nyquil, nothing else has worked.  Ambien was the last resort.

Tonight, I am going to wait to take it until the very last moment, right as I’m getting sleepy.  Then I’m going to go straight to bed.  C-PAP on, dogs next to me, under blankets, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  No sitting up, no watching YouTube K-pop videos, no Netflix, no phone, no blog.  Pill then bed.