post-everything drop.

I really and truly hate the post-event drop.

Post-concert drop. Post-con drop. Post-vacation drop. All of it. The older I get, and the more I focus on fighting my anxiety and depression, the more I notice this and the worse it feels.

Two weeks ago, I spent the week in Atlanta in an AirBnB with two of my best friends. We got to see ATEEZ together, we saw other friends who came in town, we went shopping and cooked meals together and sat around and laughed and joked and generally had a fantastic time. When Friday came along, we did not want to leave. We literally stood in the livingroom hugging and whining about how we did not want the week to ever end.

The day before, we met up with so many other people to have lunch at an AYCE hot pot and k-bbq place. We laughed and joked and squealed about the concert the night before, we talked about good food and good music and good things. I sat at the end of the table and watched everyone – everyone who had come together over a common love of K-Pop, everyone who I’d invited to my teeny tiny little Discord server who yell about their assorted fandoms, everyone who’s become friends and who bring joy to my life in so many lovely and assorted ways.

I sat at that table, and I smiled, and I did my best to not cry because I was just. So. Happy.

And then I came home, found out I caught COVID at the ATEEZ concert, and have been holed up at home ever since. And sure, I’m still chatting with everyone online, but it’s not the same. I miss my friends, I miss the freedom of vacation and staying somewhere new, and the joy of seeing one of my favorite gro0ups in concert.

I tested negative today, finally, and have a day off on Wednesday to get a haircut and am planning on going to the library to do some studying and take some pictures while I’m out, but this post-vacation and concert drop has hit me hard. I’m sure the COVID didn’t help, either.

I need to plan something soon, something to look forward to. It’ll help, I think.

cabin fever.

Hot take:

I don’t like working from home 5 days a week.

My office is under construction and so there is no place for me to sit until that’s done, so I was told I could work from home until then. I know a lot of people who would be absolutely thrilled for this – but I’m not. I’ve learned a lot about myself since 2020, and one of the things I found was that I DO NOT do well mentally when I’m cooped up at home 24/7. My anxiety spirals, my depression is harder to stave off, my frustration and anger starts creeping up on me and is harder to control, my stress levels skyrocket and I want to run screaming into the sunset, as far away from where I am as possible.

During the pandemic it wasn’t THAT bad – mostly because since I was the IT person in the office, I was considered an “essential” employee, so I had to go to the office twice a week in the mornings to handle tasks. No one else was present, I didn’t see or speak to anyone since everyone else was working from home. I rolled in and took care of what I needed to take care of, and then I left. It allowed me some normalcy during that crazy time. I would get up, get dressed – makeup, hair, and all – commute the 30+ minutes to the office, do what I needed to do, and go home around lunch to log in the rest of the day.

But now the best place to do my job is at home. 5 days a week, all day. With doing support, it’s harder for me to work with only the single laptop screen. I’ve become accustomed to using two monitors both at work and at home. Also, since I attend regular meetings and have to get on calls for support issues, sitting at a coffee shop all day is difficult. So I can’t really go anywhere to work other than my house, and I’m steadily feeling more and more down.

This weekend has been helpful – my brother came to visit yesterday so we took him and his girlfriend to lunch, and this morning I went to have breakfast with my friend K. Tomorrow afternoon I have a therapist appointment across the lake, Tuesday I have a nail appointment after work, and Wednesday I’m meeting K for dinner. So I’m trying to find things to do and to look forward to, which is helping.

But I am still counting down the days until my full week vacation at the end of July, when I’ll be going on a road trip to Atlanta for the ATEEZ concert. That’s my saving grace, my big thing to look forward to this summer. The big thing that’s helping me hang on.

A full week of not this house, not these walls.