I woke up this morning and logged on to my computer and found that Microsoft had just decided to install Copilot on my laptop? Like. NO. I didn’t ask for this or approve it. I don’t want AI on my desktop.
one year.
One year ago, I was in the lowest space mentally that I’d ever been. I was desperate and scared and hated myself so very much. I wanted to…not be. There were other things happening in my life that was exacerbating the problem, but I felt entirely, totally alone. I was surrounded by people – my best friend, my husband, people I talked to online, coworkers. I was even seeing my therapist regularly.
But I felt like they’d all be better off without me around.
One year.
If you ask me how I came out of it, I can’t tell you. It wasn’t easy. I got a psychiatrist. I started telling my husband and my best friends about how I felt. I added a second therapist that I started seeing weekly for a while. I focused on work. I focused on my mental health. I made slow and steady and regular changes. I got medicated – well, even more medicated.
I clawed and scraped and scratched and fought through whatever pit I was in. If people weren’t willing to help me up, then I left them behind.
One year.
I told my therapist today, “It’s amazing what one can happen in one year.” When I left her office, the sun was shining, a little breeze in the air, the traffic on the highway was backed up. And I took a picture. There’s lines in my face, my lipstick is kind of worn off, my eyeshadow is smudged.
One year, and I’m still working on being better and getting better.
One year, and I’m still here.
And I’m actually glad to be here.
There is something SO DAMN GOOD about that first sip of coffee in the morning. Iced, hot, whatever. That first hit is just AAAAHHHHHHHHH YES THANK YOU MINE EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED.
I’ve been pulling weekly and daily tarot and oracle cards for a few weeks now and it’s a really lovely way to start the week and the day. I’m not using them to “predict” anything, per se, but more along the lines of “what do I need to focus on today” and “what can I remind myself of today”. It’s also a nice prompt to journal and is a relaxing way to start the morning.
i’ll read it.
One of the things I missed the most about the personal internet of the early 00s was the fact that you could lose yourself in finding some REALLY good blogs just through poking around other pages’ links. Forget diving down a wiki hole, I loved falling down a blog hole. So many people, all over the world, sharing little snippets of their lives.
While poking about today and looking for new blogs, I came across this post from Manu:
“I don’t know what to write about” and “what if no one will read it?”. These are the two most common reasons why people don’t want to start a personal blog. I already addressed the first one, so let me tackle the second one in the easiest way possible: I’ll read it. If you decide to start a blog in either English or Italian, I’ll read it. I don’t care about the topic. Start a blog, write something, send it to me, and I’ll read it. And you’ll have your first reader. If you add an RSS feed to your blog, I’ll add you to my reading list, and I’ll keep reading what you post. As soon as a bunch of you have blogs, I’ll compile a list and make it available on this site. Hopefully, more people will read what you write. But I promise you that if you start writing, you’ll have a reader.
One of the concerns that I feel most bloggers have is that their words that they put out will just be lost in the ether. You put yourself out there day after day after day, week after week after week, and you find…silence. Nothing. It’s intimidating as hell. It makes a lot of people give up personal blogging and online journaling.
So, I’d like to offer myself up as one of your first readers. If you have a blog, drop me a line and let me know. I’ll read it. I only have two requests:
- Your blog must be in English (I wish I could read other languages, maybe soon!)
- If your blog has an RSS feed, let me know so I can add you to my reading list!
Let’s connect and maybe have a good conversation or two. 🙂
There’s something about Sunday mornings that I absolutely adore. It’s quiet, no one’s awake, I can do my chores and drink my coffee and I feel more relaxed and focused than I do all week. Am I the only one that feels this way?
new digs.
Hello and welcome to my sparkly new blog! Well, new-ish. If I transferred all of my posts from my previous three blogs, does that count? Ha.
God, I just felt like I was back in 2002 or so when I typed that. I just got a full on recollection of when I started my LiveJournal. Daaaaaamn. Anyway.
So, yes. Hi. If you’re familiar with my old sites, you may notice that this is a lot simpler. 2024 is going to be the year of a significant change for me, I am paring down, social media-wise. I’ve already started moving to Mastodon as my preferred social network, and I’ll be posting more here instead of all over socials. I’m not sure if I want to drop Meta stuff yet – even though I dislike Facebook with a burning passion, I still have a LOT of friends and family there and on Instagram. So, for now, those can stay. But Twitter/X/TwiX? Nah. It can go. I’ve made my peace with losing people there. The people I really want to stay in touch with, I either communicate with them on a personal level via Discord and text messaging, or on the networks I choose to be on. As much as I want to follow all the K-Pop news, I don’t need to. Plus, since I’m in school again, I simply don’t have the time that I used to, and I’d rather cultivate connections that are meaningful rather than just numbers and follower counts.
So, welcome. Hello to online friends new and old alike. It’s gonna be a good year. 🙂
Digital Photo Class at City Park, June 2022
Last June, I took the second photo class that Christy Lorio offered over at City Park. I’d really enjoyed the first one she offered, focusing on the basics of composition that could be used with any camera. The second one was more about fully learning about photography with a DSLR. It was a drizzly day when a few of us met up at Cafe du Monde again, but luckily the rain ended right before the class, leaving the sky gray and overcast.
This was actually good, because I’d become WAY too used to taking pictures with full sun and blue skies, and so I was able to play more with my aperture and shutter speed to see what worked in this kind of lighting. I still struggle sometimes with aperture when it comes to lighting – yeah, I know the Sunny16 rule – but I still tend to take a lot of “test shots” to see what the right setting will be. I don’t know why I struggle with it so much, but I just do. I have found that when I am doing those test shots and seeing the difference, it helps make it stick more for me.
We stuck closer to the Cafe this time since rain was still imminent, but there’s a small island close by that has some really cool overgrown spots and foliage, which I found very cool.
I’m always drawn to locations that have that “overtaken by nature” or “deserted” feeling – old houses back in the woods, decaying structures, graffiti, weathered wood and stone and rust. I am terrified of trespassing, so you’ll never find me sneaking into the old Six Flags site or an abandoned home – but IF there was someone who would LEGALLY bring me there and stay with me while I walked around and shot pictures, for safety reasons, I’d be happy as a clam. I ain’t about getting arrested or falling through the floor for a hobby. Sorry. *shrug*
Anyway, these are some of my favorites that I took that day. I like how the colors are just slightly muted – except the greens. After the rain, grasses and trees POP in summertime and stand out beautifully.
Thank you, Christy, wherever you are now, for the lessons you taught me and for the super short time we got to meet.
Listen to this – Key, “Good & Great”
Key’s new album, Good & Great, dropped last night, and I’d like to chat a bit about the title track of the same name.
A little background for those not familiar with Key – he’s from the group SHINee, which debuted on May 25, 2008. He is still with SHINee today, but also has a prolific solo career, starting with his first album Face in 2018. Key is considered a major style icon, and is widely looked up to by many K-Pop idols. I could go into more, but I strongly recommend others take a look at his solo work, he’s an excellent artist. (Key is the main reason I got into SHINee.)
He announced the release of his latest album, Good & Great, on August 20th, through assorted social media posts. It kind of threw some of his fans for a loop, considering that the concept seemed to be…office worker?
This was unexpected, considering the concept and themes for his last three releases – Bad Love, Gasoline, and Killer – were very retro inspired and a bit campy. Bad Love was sci-fi, Gasoline was horror, and Killer was video games (think classic NES/SNES stuff).
So when people saw this theme of…working in an office?…it was a smidge unexpected. Key does have a habit of reinventing and spinning things on their head, though, so we all waited to see what came out of it. And sure enough, he delivered. A few teaser trailers were released of Key working for some odd gray stuffed monsters, and teaser pictures of him seeming to cause chaos in an office while releasing BOK-SILLee, the fuzzy pink character that he’s made popular through the fandom.
Key’s always gonna be JUST a bit weird. I love that so much.
So…back to Good & Great. The album dropped last night, along with the MV. And we’ve been seeing a few clips online of Key doing dance challenges to the chorus of the song, which seems chirpy and peppy and cute. But take a look at that middle part of the chorus. Full translated lyrics below:
I’m good I’m great
I work get paid
Thank god all day
I love it, I’m epic
All day, a dozen times and more
Repeat the magic words
OK, doing good
I’m pulling through
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m grateful
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m grateful
Wake up in the morning, mission-ready
When I see myself sleepy in the mirror
Man, coffee’s the only Reason I function
Hurry, hit the road and get bussin’
The world is an irregular puzzle
One wrong step, you’re lost in this jungle
Can I be saved by the bell today?
It’s a whole new vibe, again I shout out
Days when you wanna let go of it all
There’re more than a few, oh, do I know
I wanted this so bad
Chose this path, but don’t mean it’s easy
I’m good I’m great
I work get paid
Thank god all day
I love it, I’m epic
All day, a dozen times and more
Repeat the magic words
OK, doing good
I’m pulling through
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m grateful
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m grateful
Stop
Stop worrying ahead Feeling jump
Drift away on a parachute out that window
Dreaming of an escape from reality
Or maybe three hours go AWOL
If I’m feeling my edge has dulled
Means I’ve been grinding in this world
That’s Right, grateful for all this
But still sometimes just wanna vanish
On days when I’m having a hard time
Again, believe that I’m chosen
I’m good I’m great
I work get paid
Thank god all day
I love it, I’m epic
All day, a dozen times and more
Repeat the magic words
OK, doing good
I’m pulling through
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m grateful
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m grateful
Grab whatever’s in reach
And fire it into the sky
I’m great because I’m grateful
You know that I’m
I’m good I’m great
I work get paid
Thank god all day
I love it, I’m epic
All day, a dozen times and more
Repeat the magic words
OK, doing good
I am confident in myself
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m grateful
I’m good I’m great
Because I’m gratefulSure, the beat and lyrics are good and upbeat and fun, and I won’t lie, I’m gonna bop to this for a while. But to me, it talks more about the face that we have to put on when you’re working. You know, that mask that you show your boss and coworkers, the one that you practically live about 40 hours a week. Those platitudes of “get up, get coffee, get going” and “your daily grind”. Put on that face to everyone else, the one that says “this is who I am, this is what I do”. Those little Instagram posts of “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” and all that.
Deep down, though – we’re TIRED. We’re exhausted. Hustling 24/7 takes it out of us. But we don’t know what else to do, we have to make that paycheck to live, so we tell our coworkers and bosses and post on our socials that we’re good, slap a smile on our faces and just repeat it over and over and over. Because if you just keep saying it, you’ll eventually get there and believe it, right?
Meanwhile we daydream while in our cubicles, zoning out, thinking about what it would be like to just escape from reality and not have to worry. Wondering that if we could leave the office, disappear for an afternoon. Squinting under florescent lighting, thinking about how we’ve been ground down and softened from what we used to be, the passions that we used to have. And sure, we may be making great money, and we may even like what we do – but still, just wanting an escape from the same old same old of every day working.
It’s no longer an option though. We smile, we put on our mask, and when your manager asks you at the coffeepot how you’re doing, you say:
“I’m good, I’m great.”
The odd thing is, you’d think that in a song like this, there would be some sort of resolution, a reminder that our work is not all of who we are. But there’s not. You show up at that office, in that lunchroom, in that meeting room, and you just say the same refrain:
“I’m good, I’m great. I’m so grateful to be here. I’m doing good.”
As upbeat as the song is…it’s just a fact that this is who we are as adults. We’re all just pulling through, and on hard days, we remind ourselves that this is the life we chose, and this is what we have to do to get by.
To me, this song is a little more subversive – not to mention a bit sad – than we initially think at first listen.
Of course, the video is chaotic and weird and fun and odd, exactly what I expected from Key. His looks are spectacular, as always. Give it a watch on YouTube, and check out the full album on Spotify.
Listen to this – Seventeen, “F*ck My Life”
Have you ever heard a song at an exact moment in your life and had it resonate so deeply with you that you just felt like it was written right for you at that very moment?
That was me, listening to Seventeen’s song “F*ck My Life” today.
I’ve spent the past week up and down emotionally, and today in particular I am very much in my feelings. While I was handling some blog work earlier, I was listening to a Seventeen playlist, and this song came on. I’d watched this video the day it dropped, and I remember liking the odd “Truman Show”-esque vibes of it, and that the lyrics were really meaningful…but it didn’t really hit until today, when I was just in an emotional state for it to REALLY hit me right in the heart.
This fucking world
In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
I lost my way, I lost my aim
Dumbest person alive
Let’s just forget all of this, let’s just laugh through all of this
Because this comfort is meaningless
On my way back home I get choked up
Keep feeling like crying, woah-oh-oh, oh
I just wanna find myself before I disappear completely
When I was young and watched cartoons
I wondered why I couldn’t be
The main character like I would see
My heart’s all too blackened
Isn’t there anyone who could trade their heart with mine just for a day?
In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
I lost my way, I lost my aim
Dumbest person alivе
From now on I’ll fight for my life
For my own good, fight for my life
We’rе so used to feeling numb in this life
Now I just wanna find myself
I’m getting so tired dreaming by myself
I’m so sick of it all now, just wanna give up
Don’t wanna be an embarrassment tomorrow for the me I knew yesterday
Because this commitment is meaningless
I look so dumb, it’s almost ridiculous
Keep feeling like crying, woah-oh-oh, oh
I’m getting so numb to this life that it feels like I’m shrinking away
I got a secret I can’t tell and it’s turning to tears again
I can’t tell a soul, I’m too ashamed for that
Isn’t there anyone who could trade their heart with mine just for a day?
In this fucking world, I’m the only stupid
I lost my way, I lost my aim
Dumbest person alive
From now on I’ll fight for my life
For my own good, fight for my life
We’re so used to feeling numb in this life
Now I just wanna find myself
We’re so used to feeling numb in this life
Now I just wanna find myselfHoly SHIT. Haven’t we all felt like this at some point in our lives, where we just feel so dumb and numb, feeling like you don’t fit into the world, but also wanting to be part of it, but afraid to reach out and tell someone, ANYONE, that you’re floundering?
As sad as the main concept behind the song is…there’s still a call to fight for your life. There’s still a reminder that we all have the capability to fight and make a stand, and not let the waves of life, stress, fears, anxiety drag you to the depths. You can still fight, you can still swim. There’s still joy and happiness to be had, and we all deserve it. It’s going to be a battle, but you can come out of the other side.
A few dear friends have recently got me into Seventeen (thanks Eve, Jake, and Bee!), and I have been slowly listening to more of their stuff and picking out my favorites. I’ve decided Seventeen will be the first group that I’ll start going through their discography for the blog, so keep an eye out for more posts with my thoughts on their albums.
